Just a Thought!!!

What I am writing here is not a story! It’s just a thought, which has often crossed my mind and today I have tried to chain that thought in words!


TRING the alarm clock went out. “Oh! No. It’s already seven,” I cried aloud, and like every morning turned the clock off. It was awful to drag oneself out from bed and that too for a morning walk. ‘Why the hell did God make people fat? And if he did at least he could have given them the concession from health problems.’

Every morning, it looked like an impossible task! What had I not done to get rid of those extra fat tiers? Recently, I had tried my hands on Yoga. At 5’o clock in the morning, when all those careless beauties are fast asleep in bed, we who are dying to be beautiful struggle with sometimes hilarious Yoga postures.

Let me make it very clear, I am not at all a health freak! I am just trying Yoga or just to try on that lehenga-choli, I saw a few days back at Chandni Chowk.
Well, now you must be thinking why have I zeroed down on Lehenga, when so many sexy dresses are available in market? To that I will say that in Indian weddings I have hardly seen girls wearing spaghettis and short skirts.
In a wedding either a sari or a lehenga is a must!

I always ran away from the idea of wearing a sari. It’s not that I don’t like sari but it looks to me that it gives a very grown up look. My friends have coined a hilarious term for it, ‘Aunty Type look.’
But my friend Radhika enlightened me on sari and its hidden secrets.
“Shweta, I can’t understand how can’t you like this gorgeous blue chiffon,” cried Radhika.
“Dear, when did I say that I don’t like it? I just said that I can’t imagine myself in a sari,” I tried to explain.
“But…”
“Radhika, I would rather prefer a lehenga.”
“But sweety, for that you need an hour glass figure. Don’t mind my saying but you are far away from it and my wedding is just a month away.”

Well, in all this I had forgotten to tell you, why I am making all these efforts. Next month, it’s my best friend Radhika’s wedding. And rather worrying about her wedding dress, Radhika is worried about me and my dress.

It’s not entirely her fault! I have been famous for my dress disasters. I still remember, my first year in Delhi University. It was the month of December and the college festival was fast approaching.

Just passed out from school, I lacked that dressing sense, which college kids acquire easily. In my efforts to Glitter and Dazzle, , I got a green colored salwar kameez with heavy sequence work stitched. ( To simplify- It was a typical wedding attire!!)

But you must congratulate me at my daring! I was courageous enough to wear it to the college.
I still remember Radhika’s reaction, “What the hell are you wearing? There is not a wedding in the college. It’s just a college festival!”

“Does it look bad?” I dared to question.

“BAD! Bad is an understatement! It’s just horrible!”

The next thing, I remember that we (Radhika and me) returned home. Radhika made me change into my regular jeans and top, which she considered normal for the fest. Since then, Radhika was my fashion guide. I looked up to her to understand the latest fashion trend.
I have talked lot about the past; let’s jump back into the present, where Radhika was instructing me hard.
“If you are worried about the fact that you will look too old for your age in a sari then, sorry to say you are wrong!” Radhika said. “Look Shweta, there can be nothing more sensuous than a sari.”

I made a wry face and said, “I am not convinced. I don’t find my neighbor Mrs. Reddy sensuous in a sari.”
“Well, may be Mr. Reddy finds her so,” Radhika chuckled.
“So, without wasting anymore time can you be over with this subject?”
“Look, the sari is perfect for Indian woman body type. It hides all those fat tiers and you look slim.”
“But…” I tried to interrupt.

Once Radhika starts no one can stop her.
“Secondly you can experiment!” she declared.
“Experiment??? What’s there to experiment in it? It’s same old sari,” I cried.
I think I shouldn’t have said this. It gave Radhika a chance to start on. I knew that she will be giving an hour speech on this topic!!!!!!
“Oh! Come on Shweta, don’t you watch television. Had anyone heard about Mandira Bedi until she hosted the cricket show, dressed in those pretty saris with noodle strap blouses.”
“Noodle strap blouses??? Come on, I am not going for that.”

“Who is asking you to?? But I tell you they look hot!!! So, it’s the first experiment.”
“And then you can always go for backless blouses or that with strings. And ya halter neck too!! They actually give a dramatic effect and make you look sexy,” Radhika continued.

“Radhika, if you don’t have any problem I want to dress not undress! I hope you understand,” I protested.
“I was just telling you about experimentation. So, there is no end to it!” she chuckled.

I know I can’t beat Radhika in all this. She is just too much. Finally, I surrendered. So, it was decided that I will wear the blue sari with of course No Noodle Strap!

Sometimes I think, ‘Do fat people only have a few choices? If we have to buy a dress then should we always think, what will others think when they will see us wearing it with this figure?’ the constant thought in our mind should be that they have to choose something, which hides those fat layers.’

‘I can’t wear that lehnga-choli because I am fat and people will mock at me! I am forced to choose something, which hides those fat tiers. If I am fat then I am ugly.’

When these thoughts crossed my mind, I decided that I should loose weight and attain that hour glass figure. So, my fitness regime became rigid.

But there was one sudden change in me! I had started hating the way I look- those fat tiers. I shrank from seeing my image in the mirror. I had become so conscious about people looking at me!

One day, after my Yoga session, I was relaxing, sitting on a bench in the park. I was looking around, looking at people. My eyes were caught by a group ladies (must be in there in mid thirties) sitting in circle and giggling. They all look ordinary except one.

I don’t know what was in her that caught my attention but something was different about her. There was radiance, glow and warmth on her face. In a word, she looked stunning!

As I sat looking, her eyes caught mine and she rose. The next moment, she was coming towards me.
“Hey, I am Preeti,” she said, as she sat next to me.
“I am Shweta,” I replied.
“So, you are sweating hard to lose weight,” she said.
“How do you know?” I asked, surprised.
“I see you daily, working hard. And I think its paying off,” she complimented.
“You are just saying it to please me,” I replied with a smile.
“Don’t you really believe that you have lost considerable amount of weight?” she asked

After some thought, I said, “Honestly speaking, it’s true, I believe that. But it’s not me who has to believe! People around me should also feel the same.”

“Tell me Shweta, when you go to a shop for buying a sari- does your opinion and that of the shopkeeper often matches?”
“No!,” I replied.
“Does it even trouble you what he thinks?” she asked.
“No, I don’t even bother!”

“So, why are you troubled with what people think about you?”

Preeti had caught my nerve and I didn’t have any answer.

“Well, I am not pretty like you so I need compliments …” I grumbled.

“Well, I will not be modest and say, ‘No, No, I am not pretty.’ Rather my answer would be, ‘Yes, I know I am pretty,’” said Preeti.
I just stared blankly at her face.

She continued, “You know, Shweta, the key is ‘To love yourself.’

“What does that mean?” I enquired.

“It means that just love the way you are!”

“Its easy saying this all, when you don’t have to worry about the things that I have to!” I blurted out.

“Dear, I think that you didn’t notice that I am as FAT AS YOU ARE!”
She was right, she too was fat was like me! But somehow it escaped my notice. Why I wondered! It wasn’t that she was wearing sack like clothes to hide those fat tiers. Rather she was dressed in tight churidar and kameez, which I wouldn’t have even dared to wear with my figure!

As if she read my thoughts, “It’s because I love the way I am. I can carry anything, giving a damn about what people think! ”
“And that’s it which reflects on your face and you look so radiant!” I completed.
“Wow, that’s the best compliment I have ever got,” said Preeti.
“Everything you said is so right, Preeti!” I cried with happiness.

“I had forgotten what I really loved! I was doing what others wished me to and dressing the way they want me to. Somewhere, Shweta was lost!”

Holding my hand, Preeti said, “Shweta, there is nothing wrong in working out, it’s the healthiest thing for our body! But WORK OUT for your happiness, not for what people will think and say!”

“That’s the golden rule! I will never forget it!”

That day, I went to Chandni Chowk and headed straight to the shop, where I had seen that lehnga choli. I hesitated to enter, thinking how it will look on me! But the next moment, I remembered Preeti’s words, “Love yourself!”

A week later, at Radhika’s wedding, I recieved the following compliments, ‘Shweta, you look gorgeous in this outfit!’
‘Where did you buy this dress from? It just suits you.’

When Radhika looked at me, she was shocked. She cried, “I can’t believe, since when you got such a good dressing sense. You proved me wrong!”
When we two were alone, Radhika said, “Idiot, you didn’t tell me! Who is the lucky guy?”
“Wait, wait…. Where are you jumping off to? There is no lucky guy and I am not dating anyone.”
“Then, what is the mystery behind the glow, and radiance on your face!”
“I guess Make up,” I joked.
“May be. But something has changed!” Radhika managed to utter before we heard the Barat approaching and her attention was caught there.
Well I don’t know will I ever be able to explain Radhika that it is I who has changed. Changed for better, for a better self!


Nihasha
copyright 2009

KAMAKSHI

KAMAKSHI

Dedicated to My Inspiration.

I remember first meeting her during my cousin's wedding. She was chirpy like a bird. There wasn't a single young boy, whose eyes weren’t caught by her beauty. I had asked Shailesh, my cousin and the bridegroom, “Who is she?" With twinkling eyes, Shailesh had replied, " She is your Bhabhi's best friend Kamakshi."

There was something about Kamakshi, which was unusual. Those brown eyes had some magic, it looked that she spoke from her eyes. One can't capture an expression in her eyes because it changed just like the landscape changes, when you travel via train. Shyly, I asked bhabhi to introduce me to Kamakshi. "This is a big favour you are asking, Mukul. I will make you pay for this," said Bhabhi, jokingly. " Bhabhi, I will be indebt to you, for this favor."

Introduction to Kamakshi was a different story all together.
" Hello, I am Kamakshi."
" Hello, I am ...I am.., " He is Mukul," completed Shailesh.
I don’t know what had happened, somehow my tongue was tied. I was at the loss of words.
" Well, Mukul, Kamakshi is joing the MBA programme in Faculty of Managment Studies. Would you mind helping her?" asked Shailesh.
I was wide eyed at hearing this. I myself was a second year student of MBA programme in Faculty of Managment Studies.
" I heard that you are in FMS too," said Kamakshi.
" Oh! Yes." I just managed to speak.
These words brought a smile on Kamakshi's face. Her face lit up bright.
" I am new to Delhi. It would be nice to have some people around to guide," said Kamakshi.
Well these might have been some ordinary words for any other boy but to me it meant a world.
' TO GUIDE, TO GUIDE' these words, filled my mind and I was ready to guide. ‘To Guide Only her.' So, this was our first meeting and after that many more followed.

In College, though Kamakshi was my junior but as friends that seniority never came to play a role between us. I can’t forget those initial months of the course, when Kamakshi was juggling with the papers, with the city, and an accommodation. But amidst all this, I always wondered, ' How did she manage to look so beautiful.'

It was my duty to pick Kamakshi from her women hostel early in the morning. Then, it was a ritual for us to sit early in the morning at the DSchool canteen and chatter over a cup of coffee.
There was nothing hidden between two of us.
"Hey Mukul, I heard that you are drooling over Shweta these days," said Kamakshi.
" Me and Shweta, that will be the last thing on the earth."
" Don't hide it from me . I saw you last day looking at her legs, when she was wearing that short skirt of hers."
" Hey Kamakshi, you know that Government has not yet taxed seeing beautiful things."
This kind of bonding had developed between me and Kamakshi.
Kamakshi could read every thought that crossed my mind.
Looking at my face, she said, ‘ Don’t worry, Mukul . What you wrote about financial statstics would surely impress the Professor.’
“ Thanks…But wait, How did you know that I am thinking about that?”
“ I am psychic,” said Kamakashi, jokingly
I wished
What I always wondered was, 'Can't she understand that I love her! or she is just acting hard to get!'

”Yes, She can’t understand anything. Her memories are lost.”
“ I want to meet her,” said I.
“It’s of no use but it’s your wish.”
Ten long years had passed, I seemed to walk into the room to bridge up that gap.
I saw Kamakshi, clad in red sari, sitting at the corner of the room. She was looking outside the window, holding a pretty doll in her hands.
I went and sat beside her.
She was so lost that she didn’t notice me. I waited just for her one look. Just like good old days, I was waiting that she would turn around and say , “ Mukul, you scared me! When did you come?”
“ I just came, when you were looking up at the sky and praying to God to give you husband just like me!” I used to tease her.
“ Shut up, Mukul!” she would say, with a smile, which lit my heart.
I hoped that today would be just the same.

It looked as if time has come to standstill, when Kamakshi looked at me. Those eyes which talked had turned to stone.
I curbed the desire of taking her in my arms and making her forget all her sorrows.
I tried to talk to her, " Kamakshi, I hope you haven't forgotten me."
She looked at me with searching eyes.
Kamakshi gave me a blank stare and then threw her doll at me.
" Go away, Go away!” she yelled.
Hearing her cry, the nurse rushed in. “I told you that you shouldn't provoke her. It's a Mental Asylum. How many patients can I look after alone? Leave for now."

With heavy steps, I made my way out of the room. I took a last look at Kamakshi, who was still looking outside the window.
" I need people to guide me." These words again and again questioned me. She chose me to guide her but what I did. Being selfish, I left for America leaving her alone. I was somehow responsible for the fate she has met.

How can I forget the farewell party at the college? It was my last day at the college and I had thought that today I will tell Kamakshi what she means to me. Kamakshi was clad in pink - green silk sari, her hair tied in a braid; and a big round bindi adorned her forehead. She looked charming. I was mesmerized with her beauty. We sat in the auditorium, where the Dean was repeating the same old speech, which he gave every year. Kamakshi sat beside me. I could feel her perfume. The next moment, she looked at me and said, " I can't wait for this speech to get over. Come out, I wanna tell you something."

I didn't have words to say, I just followed her. We were standing alone in the dimly litted lawns, I could feel Kamakshi close to me. I was just waiting for the right moment to tell my feelings. But the moment, I was longing for never arrived.
The next moment, I heard a car stopping near the gates of the lawn. Kamakshi cried with happiness, " Mukul, it looks they have arrived." With these words, she rushed towards the gate and I followed.
I was surprised to see Kamakshi's parents steeping down the car. They weren't alone, they were accompanied by boy of my age and his parents. I was glad to see them all but somewhere I sniffed something wrong. Kamakshi's mother stepped forward and said, "Here meet your would be daughter- in- law, Kamakshi."
I would have laughed at this, if I hadn't seen Kamashi, covering her head with her sari's pallu and touching the old woman's feet. It looked as if the world has turned upside down.
" Mukul, meet Prafful Reddy, our would be son-in-law," said Kamakshi's father, breaking my chain of thoughts.

How could I have forgotten Prafful. Prafful and Kamakshi's family were closely knitted, they were friends and when the parents thought about Kamakshi's marriage, they couldn't think of someone better then Prafful.
" So, Mukul, How is the surprise?" asked Kamakshi, chirply.
If I would have heard this story then I would have categorized it as a Bollywood episode. But sometimes filmy episode do happen in real life.

I couldn't have thought of a life without Kamakshi but now Kamakshi belonged to Prafful. I began hating hating Kamakshi, but Kamakshi didn't change. She considered me her buddy.
MBA was over for me and a job offer from Harvard was an opportunity to forget everything.
" You are coming on my marriage. I don't know," argued Kamakshi.
" Kamakshi, my presence doesn't matter. Am I the bridegroom?" I said jokingly
" No , you are my guide. Won't you guide me if I go wrong."
" If you only give me a chance."

These were the last words ever spoken between us.
For next ten years, I worked to forget everything ( Kamakshi)
I imagined that Kamakshi must be leading a very happy wedding life.
But I never imagined that Kamakshi was suffering.....and will suffer so long.....

Kamakshi and Prafful's marriage was an occassion for great celebration. Everything went fine for two years of marriage. Kamakshi had a good job as Finance advisor and Prafful gave her all love.
After two years of marriage, relatives being relatives started asking Kamakshi, “When are you giving the good news?"

Kamakshi and Prafful too desired a baby. But it looked that god was not with them.
Kamakshi's frail body didn't have strength to bear the pain of child birth. But Kamkshi's desire for a baby grew with each passing day. Prafful was so busy with his work that he never found time to share Kamakshi's sorrow.
" Prafful, a child..."
" Don't start it again, Kamakshi. Didn't you hear the doctor."
Kamakshi was heart broken. My dear Kamakashi wrote several emails to me with the subject ' GUIDE ME' But love was overpowered by pride and I never opened the emails.

With each passing day, she desired someone on whom she could shower her motherhood. One day, she said to Prafful, " Prafful, can't we adopt a child?"
" Are you out of your mind, Kamakshi? Without knowing of the blood, bring someone just like that in family!"
" But Prafful, a child..."
" Kamakshi, please for god sake spare me. It isn’t my fault that you can’t have a baby!”
“ You! I thought its ‘We’ who can’t have a baby,” said Kamakshi with voice choked with tears.
“ Please Kamakshi, I didn’t mean to say that but …”
“ I understand Prafful,” Kamakshi managed to utter, between her tears.
Prafful took her in his arms and said, “ Kamakshi, we will have a child!”
Kamakshi was surprised to hear this. She wipped her tears and looked at Prafful with expectant eyes, “So, Prafful, are we adopting….
“ Kamakshi, don’t start again! There can be other ways for getting a child!”
“ Other ways???”questioned Kamakshi.
“ Look Kamakshi, I want my blood in veins of my child.”
“ I too want that Prafful… But..”
“ Kamakshi, why don’t you understand. Look, let me tell you straight that Mom and Dad are looking for another match for me.”
"Prafful!"
" Kamakshi, nothing will change. You will get a baby!And we all can live happily.It’s just a small deal! "
It must have been a small deal for Prafful but for Kamakshi, the world had turned upside down.
That day, Prafful left for the office as if nothing has happened.
That day, Kamakshi too left the home but not for office. She just walked down the crowded streets, lifeless.
At the roadside, vendors were sitting, selling petty things. But there was something, which caught Kamakshi’s eyes, there was a toy vendor sitting at the end of the road. On a white sheet, a large collection of toys was spread out. There was a large teddy bear, a small tub filled with water in which an electric boat was sailing. But what attracted Kamakshi’s eyes was a pretty stuffed doll.
Then for a second , a vision appeared in front of her eyes. She saw herself walking in a mountain valley, and a little girl is holding her hand. Suddenly, the little girl left her hands and ran towards the little blossoming valley of flowers , which she spotted at a distance.
Kamakshi was heart broken to see the girl running away from her.
She cried, “ Wait ! I am coming with you.”
Just then, the vision disappeared and Kamakshi found herself looking at the pretty doll.
The next instant, she picked up the doll.
The vendor said, “ Its just for hundres rupees.”
Kamakshi was lost in her own world, she hugged the doll tightly in her arms and murmured, “ You are mine! I will never leave you!”
Seeing, this strange behaviour , the vendor grew suspicious. He cried, “ Madam, pay me the money and take that doll!”
Without paying heed to his words, Kamakshi started walking away. The vendor tried to stop her, “ Madam, wait! Pay me the money.”
But Kamakshi made her way down the raod, with vendor following close behind.
Kamakshi ran as fast as she could, murmuring under her breath, “ You are mine!”Soon, she reached the end of the road, but vendor had not given up his pursuit.
Mindless, Kamakshi ran across the road. The Vendor cried,”Madam, Stop! Look…”
But it was too late….hit by the truck, Kamakshi was lying unconscious on the busy road.

" Mukul, come back, Kamakshi...," said Bhabhi on the phone.
"Bhabhi, I don't want to hear about her,"
" Mukul, she is fighting betwen life and death and murmuring 'my guide'"
There was not a moment to lose, I just wished to be Kamakshi's side . It was too late; by the time I reached by Kamkshi's side.
The accident had affected her brain nerves. In Prafful’s words,” She had turned mad and was only fit for the mental asylum.”
He had performed his duty efficently and left her in Mental Hospital, for the doctors to take care .
Poor Kamakshi’s memories were lost . She looked at me with blank eyes, in which all emotions had died.
She was a living epitome of Death.
I just had my love to give her but she was far away from away from my reach. I promised to myself that I will guide her.
With this hope, I visit her daily and try to make my Kamakshi alive in her.


Nihasha
Copyright 2008